oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
