I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
