Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize