im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Randomize
