An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
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