rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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