I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
