he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
