Are we in a gay sports bar?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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