God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You pole danced in your parka.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
