I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
