Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Well I just put wine in my tea
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize