you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
