I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
