I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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