one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
smell my finger.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
how does that bad decision feel?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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