remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
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