even my farts smell like vagina
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
