We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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