i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
