DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
