I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
