Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Randomize
