Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
