Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Randomize
