He uses pillows to masturbate.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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