I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
