Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
