seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
