Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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