I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
