I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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