only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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