You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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