What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
