Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
