Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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