every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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