we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
