hotel room ftw
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
