i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
