Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
