my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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