Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
