You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
