I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
