There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Randomize
