There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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