If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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