Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
