Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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