She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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