Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
