he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
