um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
