Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
