The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Someone shattered a urinal.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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